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After many years of group and individual coaching, I’ve learned when to notice if I’m “shoulding” myself. Should is kind of a swear word actually, and not one of the fun ones that really helps get the point across. Like saying “that was a fucking good croissant”… It’s the mean one, that you tell yourself when you want to put stringent rules on how to live and then ultimately end up feeling worse if you don’t do the “should”.

“I should” or “I shouldn’t” are statements that imply an all or nothing kind of mindset towards something. I didn’t really notice how often I did this, or how powerful it really is, until it was pointed out to me. Then, I started to see it all the time.

“I should do the laundry”

“I should lose 5 pounds”

“I should quit drinking”

“I should be more confident”

“I should workout more”

“I should be more social”

“I should paint more”

“I should work more”

“I should read a book every month”

“I should get up at 5am daily”

And the list goes on to infinity…

Basically, once I learned that “should” can be re-dressed as a “could” and be much more fashionable in my mind, it was a mental health game changer.

I still “should myself”, but more often than not, I remember I can change the script and “could” it.

For example:

“I should finish my back garden project today.” changed to “I could finish my back garden project today, but…I need a rest, I’d rather finish my book, I’m feeling really sad and want to call my Mum. That back garden isn’t going anywhere.”

Then, the next weekend, I’m like “I could work on the back garden and, I had a nice break last weekend, so I’m kinda stoked to go finish it.”

This mindset technique applies to many things; some big, some small, but in any case, it is a very helpful thing to notice.

Don’t get me wrong, noticing the “shoulds” and reframing into “coulds” felt like letting myself off the hook initially. However, the crazy thing is, that when I look at all the things in my life I wanted to do or change, I can still get them done or at least attempt to with the “could” mentality. I think the reason is, I don’t feel like I’ve failed if I don’t end up doing a thing, because I didn’t set my self up for a big fail to start with. I simply have more positive energy and end up wanting to do the thing.

I am better at prioritizing what I really want to do with this mindset. In the past I’ve made endless lists of “shoulds” in my mind, it and feel scared and shitty as it was daunting and guilt inducing. Now, as “could” implies, I have a choice in the matter, and I don’t have to do everything. Instead, I end up with a realistic and prioritized list of “coulds” and do way more than the daunting “should” list. I’ve discovered I can’t “could myself” into feeling like a epic shit bag.

Okay, this is getting a bit hard to write, and I hope I’ve gotten the point across in my weird way. To conclude, next time you think you “should” do something, make it a “could” and see what happens…