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I don’t need to explain the jokes, you get them. But I do want to give you the true story inspiration.

Venn Diagram

I have a home office, it’s a sweet set up. The absolute best part of my home office is the dedicated thermostat… This is rad for two reasons:

1. I have FULL control of the heat in my office. Nobody shares it with me (but the dog) and people rarely come in here – except my annoying husband who thinks it’s funny to open the door and let the cold basement air in just to piss me off (which he literally did as I was writing this). I also love that you can’t feel heat or smell smells through a video call, so people can’t judge me for my over the top coziness levels. And thus it’s amazing having ultimate temperature power over my cozy domain.
2. I now pay the hydro-bill (to my international readers, this is a Canadian term for electricity bill, as in British Columbia where I live, our electricity comes from hydro power). When I was kid, if I left a light on (which I often did) I would get in so much shit as ‘I didn’t pay the god-damn hydro bill!’. Dad was totally right giving me the aforementioned shit. But now… because I DO pay the god-damn hydro bill and choose to crank it the level of a tropical butt crack. I don’t give a SHIT what the bill is for heating my home office, it makes me happy to be cozy.

The downside to keeping the office in the temperature range most cold blooded reptiles could run at full speed in, is that smells tend to be exaggerated in the heat. I don’t know why, but hot garbage definitely smells worse than cold garbage.

So, on a particular day when the dog and I both had something to give us a little extra power in the fart department, my office really took on that ‘rotting carcass in a hot climate’ kind of essence. Since it gained potence over the day (nose blindness isn’t exclusively for 15 year old boy bedrooms), I didn’t really notice how bad it was. Then Keith decided to pop down to say hi – at which time he expressed this attack on his senses with a proclamation of:

“What the fuck is that smell?! Have you and the dog been shitting yourselves in here with the heat at 26c?”.

To which I answered kind of matter of factly:

“Well….yes.”

Bar Chart

Why does this always happen? My friend’s cat will always take a huge dump in his litter box the second she cleans it. Was I a cat in my past life? I hope not…

I get that I poop every day, and yes, I prefer to poop in a nice clean toilet. But why oh why do my intestines decide that the day the toilet has been cleaned it’s time to unleash serious havoc. My friend has a term for this, “fast poo” and my poo is the fasted on a minted track.

I think the reason I found this extra hilarious and think I’m so clever is because this happened around 9am (my standard post coffee a.m. BM time) and I drew this chart immediately, well no, actually after I re-cleaned the toilet. But I was so proud of my wittiness I shared with my team on our company group chat. To which one of the owners responded:

“To the new staff, Tiff has just demonstrated what this group chat is really supposed to be used for”.

I’m pretty sure he was being sarcastic. But the millennial in me LOVES a shout out, so I’m counting it as a victory and true celebration of my genius. Thanks Steve.