I’m writing this blog on a Saturday morning, after a “wild and crazy” Friday night…where my new definition of “wild and crazy” is I have a cup of coffee at 330pm so I know I’ll stay awake until after 10pm. I know, madness!
My Friday nights, and weekends in general, have evolved significantly over the years, but that evolution really accelerated when I stopped drinking. All of us evolve how we spend our weekends as we age, and even without quitting booze, I think this comic is pretty relatable to many.
The thing I was thinking about when coming up with this one was not only the good times I had when I was in my early twenties (and all the crazy shit I did). I thought a lot about the things that may have looked like I was having fun from the outside, but I only did to fit in or ‘impress’ people.
I don’t think of myself as a competitive person, but when I was younger I was very competitive about really, really dumb shit. Keg stands, leg wrestles, dodge ball, nudity (which I was the only player in many times), the list of shenanigans goes on. I don’t regret all the crazy things I did, but I definitely regret some of them. I had this idea in my head that if I was the best at all this dumb crap, people would remember me, and think I’m cool, and talk about me, and want to hang out with me, and, and, and…the fact is, even if they did, it wasn’t for the reasons that actually fit my values as a person. I think that’s why I had so much sadness and self loathing after a night of debauchery – and in general in my 20s and especially in my30s. Pretending to be someone you aren’t for other people is a shitty way to live.
Now, in my early 40s, I need more ‘me time’ than ever before. Partly because I don’t drink anymore and find it hard to be in crowds of people who are more than a few deep – it’s loud, annoying and tiring – and often past my bedtime. But I think I’ve also learned that I just like ‘quality over quantity’ when it comes to hanging out with people, both in number of people and amount of time spent.
Last night we had a number of friends over, a ‘chill bbq’ that turned into about 15 people on my back deck. I have been on vacation with my husband and dog for the last 3 weeks, so I was recharged and ready for some social time. It was perfect. Fun to see my friends and neighbours, hang out in my space on a sunny afternoon, and everyone left by 11pm. However, this is now a monthly/quarterly type of activity vs weekly. I need more time to recharge and want to hang out with a big group. Most of the time a walk with a buddy, a couples dinner out, or just biking or xc skiing with a girlfriend fills my social cup. Many days, I just want to chill alone, or with the husband and dog and say ‘f-off to the rest of the world’.
Knowing what I’m in the mood for (and have the actual capacity to be good company) and doing just that is very empowering. FOMO is hard to shake and saying no to activities is still hard for me. And yes, sometimes I ‘take one for the team’ if there is something on that I don’t feel like attending, but I do for people I love. However, for the most part, I’m WAY better and knowing and acting on what events, activities, parties etc. I want to do. It feels so good, and yes sometimes I miss out on a cool concert or show, but its an incredible feeling to be honest with myself and say no sometimes.
So, to wrap up, I look back and wonder, if I had more confidence in who I was and didn’t feel like I needed to entertain or fit in, or do all the same things as everyone around me, how much crazy shit I actually would have done? I think some for sure, I still love to dance kike a fool, and have been known to go bigger than I should off of a cliff snowboarding, but all in all I’m much happier with the type of ‘crazy, funny, risky’ activities I get after than before. I’m much happier with the reasons I do it too, not to show off (well, maybe a little) but because I LOVE to do these things. I LOVE to jump off cliffs on my snowboard on a pow day, I LOVE to dance like no one is watching, (and don’t actually care if anyone is). I LOVE to share stories of my journey in comic form – in the hope that people will relate; and feel stoked to just be who they are, that we all struggle, and they are not alone.
The Graphical Bear 