Self compassion is insanely hard to do. Everything society tells us is to “keep a stiff upper lip”, “suck it up”, “no pain, no gain”, “stick to the plan, no excuses.” Basically we learn from a young age, if you are not suffering to get something done and to the crazy standards we see in media and/or set for ourselves, then we are a big fat fail. So make sure to beat the shit out of yourself in order to do these things. You’ll never actually win this game btw, if you play it by these bullshit rules.
When I first starting learning about self compassion, it felt like there was a fine line between being self compassionate and ‘letting myself off the hook’. Having done a lot of work with my coach, I am learning that I can trust myself to know what the difference is, and the line isn’t that fine.
To me self compassion isn’t just giving myself permission to take some time for myself (which is part of it for sure, but not all of it). It’s about trusting my instincts on when I’ve truly, done my best with what I have, and being okay with things when they don’t reach some kind of ‘perfect’ standard.
The ‘light bulb moment’ portrayed in this comic was indeed a real moment for me. When my coach said that “self compassion is one of the hardest things one can do” it really hit me. If this is hard, then it must be worth it trying – this jives with the thinking that everything needs to be hard and I must beat myself up to do it. So isn’t this counter intuitive? If I’m compassionate to myself, it should feel easy, like sleeping in rather than doing a workout, or bailing on work early on Friday. But self compassion isn’t about taking the easy path and saying “I’m being nice to myself” by not trying. It’s about choosing what the best path is in that moment and being okay with it. The being okay with it part is the tough one.
For example – I KNOW the difference between having a total dogshit sleep, and being sure I’ll be crap at my job if I get up when my alarm goes off for a workout, so I choose to lay in bed for an extra hour and a half to rest. Versus, laying in bed because it’s cold outside of the bed and there are hard things to do today, so I’m just going to avoid them.
True self compassion is saying, “yes I need to rest right now, no I’m not going to beat the shit out of myself and feel guilty all day because I had a crap sleep I couldn’t control and chose to get some extra snooze time.”
True self compassion is choosing to schedule a hard conversation with a colleague or boss or friend or family member, because I know I have to face it. If it’s hard and goes badly or sideways, giving myself some grace for having the courage to do it at all.
True self compassion is saying to myself “I don’t actually want to mountain bike on tough climb trails and feel like I must keep up with the guys if I’m worth anything in this town. It’s okay to only bike once a week on chill trails. I don’t have to do hard core sports I don’t enjoy to prove I am worthy or cool or whatever the fuck I think I want people to think.”
True self compassion is hosting friends and allowing myself time to visit, laugh, eat and play without worrying about the state of the kitchen (I really struggle with this one). I will tidy it later…or leave dishes in the sink overnight, and that’s okay.
True self compassion is letting go of the comparisons to others who are “more successful”, “more in shape”, “have it all together” and working on telling myself “I am grateful for what I have – like my house, dog, family, a kick ass espresso machine and my health.”
True self compassion is choosing to do the hard workout, or eat the salad instead of chips, or do my taxes a month early…and be super fucking proud of myself when I do those things! But it’s also having the ability to say “it’s okay if you don’t do this all the time, every time, perfectly, because that’s part of being human, now go take a nap”.
To conclude, I think you get the idea of what I think “True Self Compassion” is. I also just want to say that the second to last panel in this comic, of the door slamming in the demon’s face, may be my favourite comic panel I’ve ever drawn. That door just shows exactly what I want to do to my demon, it has great movement and is just drawn really well.
*patting myself on the back for that one*
The Graphical Bear 