The Gloves

I drew a draft of this comic early in 2024 and didn’t get around to doing the final version until September of that year. I’m writing this blog in April 2025. The theme still holds up, but I’m proud to say that I’ve come a long way in learning to lessen the self-beatings. Oh, I still bust out the gloves, don’t get me wrong, but I’m getting better at being aware of myself when I do. That awareness allows me to let go of it more quickly, or at least take a moment to notice how I feel – like physically. Is my heart racing? Am I sweaty? Am I going to cry? I’m definitely clenching the shit out of my teeth. Practicing noticing physical signs is a technique that has proven helpful in being curious, and ultimately being able to let go of the ‘gloves’.

I like this comic for a lot of reasons, but most of all I really enjoy the composition of it. I had a hard time trying to draw the gloves connecting with the bear’s face without giving up the punch line. It also reminds me of old school “Batman and Robin” comics, and I thought it was fun to draw the word bombs. Of course, the theme was less fun to look in the face…my demon is obviously here dishing out the fuel for the self-beating, she loves to get in digs at my confidence, especially when it has to do with my professional life.

At the time of drawing the draft of this one, I was pretty deep in a mental pit regarding my work. I was an absolute pro-star at the ‘compare and despair’ game and one of my colleagues who I have great respect for (and also had a lot more experience than me) was always crushing it at work – or it really seemed like that to me. I was always feeling like a big ol’ fail next to him. The worst part was, he was super helpful and I learned so much from him, so I hated myself more for being jealous and continuing to compare myself to him. I felt like I was never good enough at my job, that I would never be good enough, and I was kidding myself by even trying.

This is 3 years into a major career change, and I simply couldn’t shake it. I had weekly sessions with my coach and work was the major topic of many of them. I’ve always had a hard time not tying my self-worth to my professional performance, I suspect many of us struggle with this. I still tell myself often that my work doesn’t define who I am, that I am still worthy of love and the amount of money I make definitively doesn’t dictate that love. But between my inner demon and society doing a great job at equating money to success, it’s a hard battle, and one I think I’ll always be fighting to some degree.

The good news is, I made another career shift that is proving to be a great fit for my skill set, has a very supportive team and management group (this one’s for you Shawna), and the things I learned in my more challenging role prior have served me very well. Not to mention continuing to work with Gary, my coach, and trying out the anti-depressants seems to be keeping me on a trajectory that is in the right direction. It’s a journey though…I still beat myself up about work, but the frequency and severity have decreased significantly – which is a major win.