This comic was drawn in May of 2024. The month I turned 40, in fact I finished it on my 40th birthday. Around that time I started to see my drawing and style improve and I began to incorporate more graphs into my work. This comic is one I’m really proud of, I love the use of black to depict the ‘anxiety’ and I felt like the overall look and artwork were a level up. The graphs at the start and finish are pretty simple, but I love a good x-y graph, and you will soon see more…
At the time of drawing this one, I was having anxiety both about big and small stuff. It was the kind that plagued me at 2am and I’d ruminate on things for hours and not get back to sleep (thank fuck I was sober at this time in my life, or I definitely would have handled this situation very differently). I think everyone experiences this shitty sleepless worry loop from time to time, and it’s no fun. Not only is it frustrating to look at the clock every half hour or so and think “if I fall asleep now, I can still get two more hours…” when inevitably you don’t, and keep on spinning scenarios in your mind. Not to mention trying to function the next day with less sleep just makes everything harder. I can confidently say that we all agree it sucks.
I feel like sometimes I justify anxiety because I think to myself “If I’m not worrying and fretting about this thing, do I even care??” the reality is that is total bullshit. Ruminating and constant worrying doesn’t help, even though it is super easy to do. Worrying and fretting don’t mean you care, it usually means you are avoiding facing shit you don’t want to face and are compensating by worry as a means of being ‘caring and productive’. Anxiety and procrastination seem closely related to me…when you just do the thing (or face the source of the anxiety) you’ve been worrying or avoiding, it’s usually not that bad (and if it is, you still did it!) and the lead up and anticipation was WAY worse.
Literally as I’m writing this post (it is a Saturday morning) I had been avoiding doing something for work yesterday because it seemed daunting, and it was a hard message about asking a client for more money. It was also Friday afternoon, and I was in ‘fuck-it’ mode. My husband is out of town (so there is no one here to call me out on my weird solo habits, like eating popcorn for dinner and saying ‘fuck-it’) and instead of working for an extra hour, I did ‘productive things’ like walk the dogs, do laundry, watch 5 episodes of T.V. I’ve already seen…and the whole goddamned time I had this little nudging feeling in my mind that I should have just done the work thing. I woke up this morning and avoided it a bit more – in fact I called my brother to ‘catch up’ and he totally called me out on avoiding doing work – thanks Travy.
After that call I finally told myself to just do the work thing, and then I know I’ll feel better and can write a fun blog post. Here I am. I do feel better, and it wasn’t that bad. Why do we as humans need to learn this lesson, All. The. Time.?? That’s for scientists to figure out I guess…If you are interested in learning more about the science of procrastination check this guy out – Tim Pychyl, I’ve heard him on a podcast and on my meditation app – dude knows his shit! I am planning read his book “Solving the Procrastination Puzzle: A Concise Guide to Strategies for Change” as his interviews where hella interesting.
Finally, I just wanted to say that I know working with a coach, reading books, meditation, being sober and practicing all the healthy habits make me better at dealing with anxiety. But it will NEVER go away. I think accepting this and doing my best is a good place to be.
The Graphical Bear 